Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Do vagina's smell?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
