just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i now understand why vodka
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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