turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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