I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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