is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
