thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
