You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
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One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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