I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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