I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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