god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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