You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
