just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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