I need to stop coming to work sober
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
