Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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