I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
