I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
that's an acceptable place to lick
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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