sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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