Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
