just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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