Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
