I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
