WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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