I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So vagazzling was a success
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
