I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize
