Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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