watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
