The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
