you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
