Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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