You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
