Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
