i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
