dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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