i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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