The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
