Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
it hurts more in the daytime
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
