I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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