Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
