sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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