Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
