you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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