...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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