My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
