maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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