My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
