alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
sarcasm needs its own font
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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