Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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