capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I fill condoms, not promises.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
