oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
