i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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