It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
