After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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