You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
