I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
is it fun? or sober?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
