I wish my penis had an off switch
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
