Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
