In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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