i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
