Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
There r osticjed everywhere
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
