I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
