I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
