this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
