Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
