Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
