Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Randomize
