I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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