At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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